A Prelude To Something More…

She just stood there staring off into the horizon. Wondering and pondering in between trying her hardest to get her head straight. It’s a never ending phenomenon for her. The ocean breeze was magnificent. The smell of sea water swishing by. The sounds of the seagulls, boats passing by and children at play. She knew how blessed she was. She smiles to herself knowing she has a husband and five beautiful children nearby enjoying the same scenery. The younger of the five were off playing on the shore while her husband was sitting beside her catching glimpses of the boat swaying as the older children were jumping on and off the boat. Their laughter and love for one another was heart melting.

What was it? What was settled so deep within her soul. The constant feeling that left her searching for more. For the most part she was happy and fulfilled, just not in the way she wanted all the time. What if she finished school? What if she chose a different way to do things? What if…? It’s the never ending battle between her and the “What if’s”. Deep down inside she knew the answer. She always knew. The answer was clear. If she hadn’t gone through them all she wouldn’t be where she is today, happy, in love and free.

Her husband was the most supportive man she could have dreamed of. The constant switch of careers and never being able to find her niche for all these years. He just “got her”. He always did. Even back in middle school when the world would try to convince her it was puppy love and she was too young to know what love was. It was the five year age gap that got the better of them. It was them against the world. He gave her everything, then and now. He praised her and worshipped the ground she walked on. But still, sometimes it just wasn’t enough. She longed for deep fulfillment within her, hers and no one else to fill that void. That is what it was, truly. It was the unhappiness deep within her. Having five children within a nine year gap on top of not having a career of her own was a weight that took many years to be lifted. She was always finding herself. Knowing she was perfectly perfect just the way she was. Always giving. Her children and her husband were her world. If only she felt the same way about herself.

Her life was filled with twists and turns up until this point in her life. It was only when she rekindled with the love of her life from middle school when things started to all make sense. All the experiences in life and all the hardships brought her this exact moment. They had it all. A home, their children and all the love to go along with it. It’s the love that she always had an issue with. Filled with self doubt and an uncontrollable urge to find herself. It was the love she didn’t have for herself. There was no validation when it came to giving herself the love that she needed. She knew she was gorgeous , she knew she had a heart of gold but she couldn’t come to terms with the way she lost herself in ways only she understood. The constant comparison of her life to those around her. The belittling thoughts that would dangle around like wind moving through the wind chime hanging from her kitchen window. The sacrifices she made for her family, yet still never being enough for them. Only in her mind. To them she was everything.

She was young and promiscuous in her teenage years, always torn between two guys. The good guy and the guy no parent would ever want for their daughter. Her heart knew what it wanted. She knew what she wanted. It was there all along, right in front of her. There was always a constant need to be loved by someone, that someone was always a boy. Love stricken by his words and charmed by his infectious touch. Young love, young hearts. Broken, despaired and buried in time until one day he showed up knocking on her door. Was it too late? That remains to be seen.

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