I sat there on the shore line staring into the horizon wanting so bad to just dive in. I sat there…and sat…and waited. I waited for a sign. I waited for the ocean to calm. Nothing. This time it was all on me. I would either sit here and wait for the perfect moment or the moment was calling me in, into a world I once knew-a fearless one. The waves were crashing and roaring. Roaring so loud I swear I heard it. It almost kept me seated. I felt something awaken in me. The ocean was speaking to me. Speaking to me in ways I understood. “Face your fears, Diana”…with each crash the roar got even louder. I sat there longer sipping on my coffee mustering up the urge to face my fears and just dive in…
“Clear as day. As if they were still there with me. I felt their energy. I felt my grandmother , she was holding my hand as she lead me to the ocean and there he was…my grandfather…waiting for me. “Remember, you have 2 choices…you are going to dive in it or jump over it”. And, never turn your back on the ocean!”
I did just that. I didn’t care who was watching. I ran and dived in like I was 11 again. The water and I had no fear together. I was always a powerhouse in the water. A force to be reckoned with. I felt the rush within me. A rush that I craved. A rush that ignites my soul like I can’t even explain. With each wave I either dove in or let the rush wash over me as I jumped. It was cold, then warm then back to cold again. I became breathless. Not the kind that took my breath away, the kind that made me feel alive. All my senses were collaborating at once. I let go of all fears when it was me against the water. A place where the only control I have are how I am going to react to each wave and each temporary fear that runs through my mind. Because, fears are temporary as long as we face them. It’s simple. I am either riding the wave, diving in it or jumping over it. It is kind of like life. Life is like a wave as long as we let it be and as long as we let go of fear and just go with the flow. The hardest part is going with the flow. As long as we move through life with the intention of letting things be and letting go of control that is when we open ourselves up to being fearless.
I have had the same post-it note hanging on my wall in my writing space for years. It reads, “No Matter What, I Am”. Maria Deesy said it in one of her classes years ago. It has been hanging there ever since. I look at it often. Each blog I write and hesitate writing it. With fear of what people may think and I catch myself saying, “No one is going to read this”. I think my days of worrying about how I should be are finally gone. It is time to show the world who I am through my writing, even if it reaches one soul who needed to read my work that day. Writing frees me just like the day I was in the ocean. I said my final goodbyes in the water, I said goodbye to fear. I am inviting the unapologetically version of myself back into my life. I moved through the current. I dived through the waves that were bigger than me and I jumped over the ones that invited me to be joyful. I rode the ones that asked me to go with the flow. Life sure does have a way for showing up for us.
My soul has a certain vibe. I learned a lot about myself in the ocean that day. I am FEARLESS. I always was. There’s an inner child inside of me that is dying to come out. What happened to her? Where has she been? I think we lose certain parts of ourself through our journey while experiencing different phases of life that help us grow through the path we are on. We try to change certain aspects of ourself to fit inside of some kind of box we were never suppose to fit into. I was never her. She stuck around a little too long.
I plan on taking this with me forever. This day was magical. My spirit was awakened. Who would have thought that all I needed was to be challenged by the ocean again. As the seasons change, my vibe changes. For now it is my season to flow with the water and the energy that vibes with it. The tide may keep pulling me in and out and in….and out again. As long as I keep up with the tide and the never ending possibilities of rediscovering who I truly am, there is one thing I know for certain…my soul is vibing like the ocean.
Until next time…
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