The first days home were tiring. I was forced to stay put. I was forced to heal. I did not know I was going to be healing a lot more than just the area where they removed parts of me that felt whole for so many years. The parts of me that gave me my 5 children. Parts of me that were so much more than just parts. They signified something for me. In the end all they did was cause me pain and issues-my body had to release them and say goodbye. There was a grieving process that I had undergone.

Those days turned into the first month where puddles of endless thoughts came to mind. I don’t know if it were hormones speaking, but my thoughts were mostly nostalgia of memories of my kids. The memories left me with a deep whole where my womb used to rest. In time, I realized that the memories were no longer connected to those parts of me-those memories were made after birth. The womb that held my children were reflections of something that once was. My dream state had become so real that there were nights where I could not distinguish my dreams and reality. I remember waking up, sitting up in bed feeling like I was holding a baby. It was so incredibly surreal. I felt as if spirit was helping me understand that my children were born, and it is time to let go. I never had dreams like this before. They went away after the first few weeks. It was a clearing. My dreams were paving me on a path to move on from the parts of me that were once so important and meaningful, it’s like my dreams were helping me and urging me to move on and let go. And, that I did…

There was a pause involved. A deep pause. I didn’t feel the need to be on social media. I felt like removing myself from people for a while. I stopped baking sourdough for a couple months. I was not writing either. I read a lot of books, meaningful books. My days consisted of sitting around a lot, getting up to go for short walks and eventually adding ti-chi and yoga back into practice-slowly. My body needed to move again. I was ready and it was time. I was not reaching out to family members or friends. I was not depressed or lonely. It wasn’t like that at all. I needed to disconnect from the outside in order to connect deeper within.

Connecting deeper within is something that I needed. I have been longing for it. I guess I can say that my hysterectomy forced me to see things in a different way, a different light. I am not good with major life changes. My kids are all older now and doing their own thing most of the time. I am not “needed” the same as I once was. It is time to find myself and what brings me joy aside from being a mother. I will always be their mother and I will always be needed. It’s just different now. I am moving through a different phase of life. A phase where I have not quite figured out yet, however, I am one step closer…

Until next time,

Love & Light, always…