The Rearview Mom

Memories of Raising Five

I have been catching glimpses in the rearview mirror lately. More often now than ever. I swear I still see them there. Five little faces, sticky, dirty fingers, mismatched shoes, one sock on and one off and the endless questions! “Are we there yet”? “How much longer”? And, for a split second I swear I still see them there. Somewhere between bedtime stories and now a most of the time empty backseat, the years have completely slipped past me in the blink of an eye.

This is a timeless tale of raising five children, not just as they grew up, but as I learned, little by little, how to let them go…

I have adults and teens now. My oldest is 24 and my youngest is 15. The memories are priceless. Some days were really hard and some days went very smooth. All the days, even as adults and teens are gifts. Things are so much different now. Car rides have become-Who is taking their own car; Who is going with big bro or big sis or…..who’s car is Mom riding in if Daddy is not joining us? Being the backseat driver is a lot of fun. All in all I still miss the days where I was looking back in the rearview mirror and I was the driver. These days, my backseat is mostly empty and now I have the beautiful memories to last me a lifetime.

The nostalgia has been amped up for me lately. I think it may have something to do with my recent hysterectomy. Now as my kids are getting bigger, older, wiser and at the edge of adulthood and I am stepping into a new chapter of my own, the rearview feels fuller than it has ever felt before. The years didn’t just pass, they lived inside of me. Deep within the depths of my soul. Part of this journey is about letting go, another part is about honoring all that was, and all that made me who I am today.

There is a very strange kind of silence that is happening for me. I have discovered the kind of peace that I can only have imagined that lived deep inside me and just wanting so bad to come out. The house doesn’t echo like it used to. The stillness is in what I am learning. I wouldn’t trade the chaos for anything in the world! I am learning to sit with both gratitude and grief. The gratitude for having lived those very loud, messy, beautiful years, and the quiet grief of knowing that they will not come back the same way.

This part of my healing journey has asked me to pause in a way that I have never allowed myself to pause before. For so long my body was needed, constantly and urgently. Now my body is asking something differently of me; rest, patience and care. The shift feels so unfamiliar, but deeply deserved. I am navigating this new identity, but some days are harder than others. Each day they get easier and a lot more rewarding. I cannot help but see the different sides between these moments and the moments of motherhood. Both sides require surrender. The moments require resilience. Most of all, these moments require a pure and delicate willingness to adapt to change and embrace the changes even when it feels ridiculously uncomfortable.

I am still a mother. That will absolutely NEVER change. The role looks different. The role has shifted. It feels much softer. There’s less holding on and a lot more standing back. Thankfully, I am not a control freak. My kids have started to learn independence at a fairly young age. Of course, with guidance and support and always age appropriate. I am a tough love kinda Mama. These days it’s known as “FAFO”, yes, that is a new one! I was laughing when I saw that! (If you know…you know! )Everything is out of love, of course. As the years have gone by it has been more and more-less about doing everything for them and more about letting them figure a lot of things out for themselves with tender love, support and guidance and more of sitting back and watching who they are becoming.

Last night we were leaving my sisters and I had a few kids in the back seat, one who went home with their significant other and one who had their own car and decided to stay for a bit longer.I sit here healing. I sit here remembering. And, slowly redefining what comes next. The rearview will always be full. But, for the first time in a long time I am learning to look ahead too.