Better than having no lifeboat at all, I’d say.
Or should I.
What would you do with a leaking lifeboat? Perhaps you’d swim.
Would you swim faster than ever before; or would you go slow in order to not lose steam?
Steam you’d have to carry in order to float if your leaky lifeboat happens to stray.
The water runs deep, deeper than the naked eye can see.
The horizon in the midst and the hovering of the trees. Ones only hope is the lifeboat will sustain its float.
I wrote this short poem this past summer. My husband was on a “Stay-cation” and we spent those two weeks on our boat, on the beach and fishing. All five of our kids were joining us a lot and it was a really great two weeks. When ideas come to mind I type into the notes app of my phone and I save them to either post at a later time or add on to it at some point. I stumbled upon it this morning and I am so glad that I did. This particular one was written one day as we were on our way to the boat yard to launch our boat into the water. We just passed a bar along the way called, “Leaky Lifeboat”. It struck my attention as I remember it prompted me to write about it. Short, yet sweet and to the point.
I can think of a zillion different things that were probably running through my overthinking mind at that moment. Mostly reminiscing. I was so lost for a long time. I was in a moment of trying to “figure things out” for years prior. The old me was always trying to control things and figure things out. It was always my life hack to getting through. That need to control every single aspect of my life. Being in control is a mindset, it’s a comfort zone and it can be a vicious cycle. Once we have no control it’s almost as if we become lost in this hollow space with no where to go. My lifeboat was the need to control, my leverage when fear struck and I had no where else to turn. My lifeboat was always leaking because we have no control. Every time I tried to take control of my life something would pop up and show me a different way. Whether it was something for me, my kids or my husband. After a few years of having mentors I decided it was time to take flight and find myself, by myself. August was a very “lonely” month. I spend many days reading, writing and shutting the world down outside of my immediate family. I mean this in the absolute best way possible. I took the time to truly get to know myself on a deeper level. A level where I gave up the control and truly let life lead me. It’s really scary at first and trust me I’m the first one to tell you to go with the flow and be the best at coaching you through this phenomenon. Sometimes when it needs to be done for ourselves it’s the hardest thing to do.
It was an interesting few years to say the least! I have learned so much about myself on this self-discovery healing journey that I have been on. And, I’m still always learning. I’m learning through my children and all of the people in my life that I’m choosing to let in. My people pleasing days have officially ended and I’ve learned to be whole. The thing is if I didn’t take the plunge and dive in deep I would absolutely still be relying on my leaky lifeboat to get me through.
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