From Sourdough to Soul Dough

Everything for me has to happen in a flash. If it doesn’t that means I failed or I am not good enough… Welcome to another very vulnerable part of my life…

I am going to give you a little recap of what 2025 looked like for me. I walked away from my 9–5 corporate job on June 5th. After being a stay at home Mama and Wife for a good part of my life I decided to go out and enter the corporate world. I lasted 2 years. I started out as a clerical assistant in the accounting department looking to start something new and easy enough for me to be able to tackle and was quickly thrown into a position of billing with very little training and was told to “figure it out”. I kid you not, this really happened. I did really great for a while until the crippling anxiety destroyed me and I almost had a full blown breakdown. I never in my life endured so much stress and anxiety. I literally never returned back to work on June 5th. I put an immediate resignation in.

I decided to start tending to my home again, as I always loved. I started baking sourdough. My husband and I agreed that home is where I love to be. I landed myself an amazing new 3 days a week nanny gig and my sourdough business was in full affect! Yes, business. I was not planning on this at all. I applied for my NYS Home Processing Exemption permit to get going and I started doing pop-ups.

This is where things really went South…In October of 2025 the pain I was ignoring got more intense and I looked like I was 9 months pregnant. It was a gradual build up. I saw my doctor many times pleading with him that “something was not right”. My bloodwork was always good and I was sent on my way…

I decided to see a new doctor. One who actually listened to me and didn’t just go by my perfect blood work results. I was sent for all different kinds of testing and imaging. I had the beginning stages of cervical cancer, stage 4 endometriosis and adenomyosis, and a 5 inch cyst in my left ovary. We decided to schedule a full laparoscopic hysterectomy, leaving me with my one right ovary.

The Reiki Master in me knows where this all came from in the first place. I apply everything to energy and our state of being. I created this. The chakra’s involved are root, sacral and solar plexus. Survival, emotions, and personal power. Root, “Am I safe?”. Sacral, “Can I feel and enjoy life?”. Solar Plexus, “Do I have the power to act?”. When they are balanced people normally feel grounded, emotionally alive, and confident in all their directions in life. I don’t think I have ever felt that, wholeheartedly.

My husband’s career never allowed us the balance needed for me to stay steady in a career path for myself. I was a young Mama in my early 20’s, so naturally I kind of made my life all about our home and our children. Once my children were old enough where I was able to try something new outside of the house I was never able to adapt. Being home and tending to my home and taking care of my family is where I feel safe, it is where I belong. I love being home and I was always good at coming up with a side gig to bring in a monetary exchange of abundance. It is outside that makes me feel less than, so I always had that need to “be more”. I put a lot of stress on myself. My husband supports me to the fullest. It is me that doesn’t show myself the love and grace I am so good at showing and teaching others how to do, how to be. This is on me. I am always comparing myself to others. It is something I need to heal. I need to feel safe where I am in life and allow myself grace, love and compassion. The same advice I always give to everyone else. So, why I can’t I be that girl for myself? I am trying. Perhaps, this is all part of the journey for me.

I was in the emergency room this past Friday night with some minor complications. Honestly, I am still unsure exactly what happened. I was sent there by my doctor after he saw some abnormlties on my sonogram. I sat there in the emergency room for many hours and it gave me time to really think…

From Sourdough to Soul-Dough. Here I am. It is my time to rise again. And, again…and again if that may be…I am ready to put away the guilt that burns me inside to constantly want to be something more.

Sourdough begins with a starter. It is very much alive but delicate. My hysterectomy feels like a reset of my body and who I am. Just like feeding the starter, healing requires care, time and belief that something strong can grow again. Sometimes the smallest beginnings hold the most life.

Healing isn’t meant to be dramatic and is never a one size fits all. It is the quiet discipline of showing up for myself each and everyday. I was timed out for a reason. I need to learn how to have the same patience with myself as I do with everyone else.

When making sourdough I need to discard part of the starter. Sometimes growth requires letting something go.

The longer the fermentation, the healthier the bread will be. It takes time. Sometimes overnight or longer. My recovery needs to be slow and nonlinear. Waiting and learning to be patient with myself has become part of the process while healing. Transformation happens when we are resting.

The rise needs to be trusted. I need to wait. Patience is needed. It cannot be rushed. During my recovery I need to be mindful that my body is doing invisible healing work beneath the surface. Healing rises quietly.