As the storm clears, just keep going and going and going…
About three years ago many of us started feeling very different. A feeling we couldn’t really explain nor had the head-space to figure out ourselves. Many of us, including myself found mentors to help us understand and come into who we are truly meant to be. To this day I am so grateful to her as I wouldn’t even be sitting here writing about this if it weren’t for her. I still remember the morning I woke up and didn’t recognize who I was anymore. I felt different. I still till this day cannot even begin to explain how I felt. Things were happening around me. I was able to feel energy. I was seeing colors. I was able to feel on a completely different level than what I was used to. Things that were once normal to me started to vanish. Relationships started to dissipate. I was feeling very lonely, meanwhile I am never alone. I have an amazing husband, five beautiful children and an extended family that is always by my side. Yet, I still felt like I was losing a never ending battle. In a short time I realized it was me who I was losing, a part of me I was ready and willing to say good-bye to. Emotionless, hidden, worrying and filled with fear, fear of letting go. No one really knew me. Hot one day, cold the next. Change was near and I felt it on a very, very deep level. As time went on and I was working with my mentor I realized I had lots of “stuff” to clear. Things that I buried rather than deal with. Why do we do this? Why do we hold so much in to the point that we just become humans living the “fight or flight” experience that truly never ends unless you finally come to terms with whom you are. The constant comparisons, the “I’m not good enough” part of us that we just want to tuck away and scream. We don’t though, we just keep going. Then, we walk around like everything is great inside of us. How long will this truly work? How long can we stand the constant pressure we are putting on ourselves? We wind of being like that pressure cooker on your grandmothers stove just ready to burst. Then one day it just clicks…
The never-ending battle of being good enough and never wanting to disappoint eventually strips away all our joy. The daily living in flight or fight just deepens the wounds. Staying strong rather than finding healthy ways to actually deal with all of our emotions become a thing of the past and we just keep going, and going, and going. Like the candle on your dresser that’s slowly burning out right now. I just looked at the clock and there it is that 1:11 again, or 11:11. Everything will be okay, the reminder that keeps stinging at you. All the signs are there. The walks where you can actually feel your throat tighten up as if you are being choked when you hear a song reminding you of something or someone. That something or someone that was just buried so deep in order to stay strong that you had forgotten all about it. Staying strong all the time comes with consequences. Trust me, I know the burden of constantly staying strong. One day we finally need to let go and we don’t know how to. It’s a thing of our past, something that shouldn’t have been, something that we needed to just walk away from to feel whole again. Afraid to break or fall a part, just a little. Keep wiping away the tears and smile. There’s always something to stay strong for, whether it be a child or the simple fact that you are afraid you may fall apart and deepen the wounds of yesterday. So again, just keep going, and going, and going…
One day it hits us. We find the right mentors and groups of people to help awaken our soul. That is truly what life is all about. It is a journey. Our universe aligns us, perfectly. It usually comes completely unexpected and drains us to our core. No one else sees it, just us. We are so careful not to let it all out. Life will throw us the curveballs we need until we learn how to ascend into who and what we want to be. The experiences we get are to help us grow, learn and awaken into a conscious human being. Fear eventually dissipates and unravels into joy. Fear was what held us back. Fear of changing. Fear of facing todays challenges which brought us to tomorrows light. Life happens for us, not to us. Expectations become reality, a reality that hits us like a ton of bricks. And then we realize not to expect the unexpected because it all now makes perfect sense. You aren’t the same person you were years ago, a week ago or even just yesterday. It’s different now. That loneliness you felt back then was just the loneliness of your soul not living the life that it came back for.
A prelude to something more…
Love and Light, always!
Diana Borisuck.
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