The Truth About Personal Growth
I am here to normalize that healing is not always light and love. The version of healing that gets shared across social media looks a lot different than what it predominantly feels like and may look like for you. You know, the soft glowing kind. The kind that is filled with morning yoga, deep breaths, journaling and affirmations. It’s all out there. We have all saw a reel or post at some point in our lives these days that painted this eloquent picture of the perfect healing journey. Everyone’s healing journey looks different.
Sometimes healing does feel like that.
And….
Sometimes there is another side to healing. The deep dark side that usually does not get talked about enough.
The heavy side.
The kind of healing that leaves you feeling exhausted, spent and drained. Sometimes the mental exhaustion is so overbearing that we do not even realize that we are carrying the physical part of it as well. The kind of healing where your emotions do not become graceful-you crash. Sometimes you may even burn. The burning part is when things you thought you already moved past have resurfaced. Why? Because you still have lots of work to do. You are not broken. You are human. When we feel like this growth doesn’t feel like expansion, we feel like we are unraveling.
This is healing.
Release is not always love and light. Releasing overbearing untamed emotions can be the rock bottom we need when we need to release something.
When we feel the heavy part of healing it is because we are releasing something. Release is not always light. It can actually feel like grief, after all we are losing a part of ourselves that we carried for so long. It is the old versions of us that we grieve. The old patterns that we have become so used to and the old ways of coping to protect ourselves. These old ways no longer serve you.
The quiet truth….? I will always tell you the truth, whether you are ready for it or not…
Our nervous system does not let go easily. Sorry to say my loves but you are not going to get off the hook very easily. Now you are going to go through a period of resistance. Our soul wants the change that we need, our ego will keep fighting us till the bitter end. This is when you feel overwhelmed, stuck and emotional. And, you are not doing anything wrong. You are in fight or flight. Survival. And, it is the worst feeling of all. It can bring you to your knees. You won’t be there long…I promise. Although it may feel like it. This is when faith comes in and the will to survive.
I have been on both sides of healing. Sometimes I flip flop from time to time. Sometimes I feel crazy and completely immune to the world. It is numbing. This happens to me when my mind and body are so overwhelmed and I am trying to process too much at once. Especially being a Mama to five. I have five other humans to worry about and care for. Life can be overwhelming. Healing in chaos is still healing. My nervous system barely gets a full reset. When I say that I sometimes feel “immune to the world”, that is when I shut everything out that is outside of my home life and make myself completely unavailable to anything other than what I need to continue to make sure that I am whole. I need to concentrate on staying afloat in order to be present. That is also why I make sure that my cup is always full. MY CUP. I have learned first hand that I cannot be the Mama that my children need me to be if I am overbearing my soul to please others. Boundaries are very much needed. My body is very good at telling me, “This is too much right now, I am going to protect you by allowing you to become immune to the world.” And, it is OKAY.
I have become really good at this. The reason my circle is so small is because most just don’t get it…
There comes a point in healing where everything around you starts to shift. Your tolerance changes. Your capacity to take on more changes. The way you connect to people starts to change. Over time the circle that once felt so normal now feels way too big. Too loud, draining and just a tad bit too much. This is all happening. I still care, I just care about myself more. Having a small circle and creating peace in my life at one point felt wrong. I felt that there was something wrong with me. Healing can look like this as well because once you see it you cannot unsee it. This is not isolation, this is evaluating the hidden details and making wise choices that fit my needs and no one else’s. And, not caring. This was the part that was the hardest for me.
For a long while boundaries felt unnatural because I was so used to being the one that always showed up no matter what. There was a time in my life where I was always the “peacemaker”, the “monarch” and the one who always put everyone first. My father always put that burden on me. I do not fault him for it, please do not misunderstand. It was a part of my healing journey. I finally no longer feel guilty for letting go of that title.
I felt guilty for saying no. I felt anxious about disappointing people. Boundaries are not walls…
Boundaries are clarity. They are me saying, “This is where I end and someone else begins.” That someone is ME. It’s the reset that is needed. A reset that will last a lifetime once I finally understand.
I am still going to close out saying Love and Light even though sometimes it may feel like darkness. Always remember that there cannot be light without darkness, without contrast we wouldn’t recognize the light.
Until next time,
Love & Light, Always!
❤️❤️❤️