Years of not being myself. Years pleading for help, silently, rather than uncover the godly acts of terror that went through my mind on what slowly became a daily basis-month after month. Creeping up on me as it eventually became my new normal. There was one week out of the month where I felt whole. I cherished that week. I looked forward to it as my calendar app became my only constant in life. I silently struggled through the other weeks never allowing my family to see the truth that I buried so deep within me. My children never felt the wrath, I would never allow it. Overthinking and terrified I would slip into a depression I’d never get out of. Jumping from one self made career to the next-anything to become the unauthentic version of myself. Instead, I just kept going. I’d meditate my way out most days, walk when my joints didn’t feel like they would explode and invite yoga and ti-chi into my life. I closed myself off to those who loved me most fearing I’d bring them down with me or worse-push them away even further. Deep down I knew this wasn’t “ME”. I eventually got so tired of my doctors telling me “Welcome to Aging” or “This is all part of aging”…I just stopped telling them the truth, afraid they’d want to talk me into this being normal and chug meds down my throat. I knew it was not normal and I knew I didn’t want to be another victim thrown into the system. This was all in the last 6 years, where it had gotten worse then there was a breakthrough in September of 2025 which marks the month I had finally found a doctor who listened…

Day 23 Post-Op Full Hysterectomy, as I sit here writing this and spilling my truth…thinking how beautiful life is looking from here. I am picturing normalcy. It’s a mindset, a game that I will continue to play. Isn’t that what life is sometimes all about? We must keep reminding ourselves and showing gratitude for all the things. This time it’s different. This time I mean it. I am slowly returning to ME…I don’t recognize her because I don’t think I have ever met her. My hormonal imbalances started when I was a teen. This all became normal at a very young age for me. I’d always just chalk is down to this being how I was. I sit here writing this-thinking how I was as a teenager. I was never really pleasant to be around to be honest. I am suddenly remembering myself. I am allowing these memories to trickle in. I am forgiving myself. I am thankful for all those who put up with me. I wasn’t so bad, was I? Nah…

I woke up this morning feeling like a new woman. My husband was up before me. I was laying on the bed in meditation, and releasing my lymphatic system, a new practice I have adapted a few months ago, but only now I am giving it new meaning. It is as if I washed away all the negative suppression within me and resolved myself into feeling more whole than I have ever felt before over these last few weeks. And, this all happened this morning. He said, “what are you doing”? A faint smile and laugh shown on his handsome face. I said, “I feel like a new woman”. It was in that moment where I actually felt like a new woman. I was being truthful. I am laying here with nothing left in my reproductive area other than my right ovary which will hold down the fort, I promised her she won’t be alone. I have never felt whole in my life than I do now, today, in this moment. They gave me my 5 beautiful children and that is what I will be forever thankful and grateful for. I left them on a good note the day before my surgery. I thanked them before we parted ways. I allowed them forgiveness for not being able to sustain vitality within me and told myself it was now a new beginning for me to build upon. A new beginning to slowly return to ME.

Until next time…

Love & Light, Always.

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